A different story #3: what if in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”…

…the Macguffin wasn’t a crystal fucking skull?

If it had been one of the following:

The Spear of Destiny
The Seal of Solomon
Pandora’s Box
The Tablets of Destiny
The Horn of Gabriel
The Hide of Leviathan
Poseidon’s Trident
The Book of Thoth
Atlantis
The Tree of Life
The Helmet of Darkness…

…and didn’t contain Shia Labouef as the annoying bastard offspring of Indiana Jones, it might have actually had a chance at being good good and not bad good.

The problem inherent right from the start is the picking of an artifact that was actually “found” and then proven to be an elaborate and artful hoax. The second problem was then merging it with the Roswell incident and the myth of Eldorado and using Area 51 as the location of the warehouse at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. The film is instantly detached from the previous three that combined religious/mythical artifacts with a religious cult and the Nazis to create a threat.

There was absolutely no problem with using the Russians as the bad guys in this given that it was set in the Cold War. The problem lay squarely in the hands of a quite frankly ridiculous Macguffin. That said, it seemed that Lucas had his heart set on the alien angle since the early 90s. The people’s choice was always Atlantis – to tie in with the “Fate of Atlantis” Lucasfilm game.

Any of the artifacts listed above would have been more in keeping with the previous films – having aliens took it into another genre that it really should not have been dragged into.

The Spear of Destiny – okay, so it was used in “Constantine”, but had they gone with Trevor Ravenscroft’s theory you could have perpetuated the Nazi story and introduced the Russians.

The Seal of Solomon – enables the wearer to control demons. The possibilities here would have been great, though perhaps using something that King Solomon wore might have dragged it in Allan Quatermain territory (not withstanding the fact that Lucas practically stole Indiana Jones from H. Rider Haggard’s material)

Pandora’s Box – a jar that contained all the evils of mankind.

The Tablets of Destiny – From Mesopotamian mythology, they were tablets that contained the secrets of destruction and creation. A perfect Macguffin.

The Horn of Gabriel – Another biblical artifact – the horn is blown to signify Judgement Day (Note to Self: this could have been a great Indiana Jones/Terminator crossover).

The Hide of Leviathan – The hide was supposedly able to be turned into an inpenetrable armour. Ideal for any army/force that wanted global domination.

Poseidon’s Trident – Used on a small scale to create horses and some water sources, when it is struck on the ground it causes earthquakes. With some modifications, it could have been modified to create tanks and oil and still create earthquakes.

The Book of Thoth – This would probably have taken it down a more philosophical route, but nonetheless better than a crystal fucking skull.

Atlantis – Enough said really.

The Tree of Life – Too close to The Holy Grail I guess….

The Helmet of Darkness – Created by Cyclopes for Pluto, it gave the wearer the power of invisibility. This would have been pretty damn useful…especially if the field could have been expanded to cover a whole army.

I don’t even need to explicitly suggest an alternative story. The stories write themselves around the artifact. With the history behind Indiana Jones 4 and knowing that Lucas was keen to have aliens (and probably threw away perfectly good scripts that contains a sum of zero aliens) it seems that the Macguffin was written around a pre-conceived story. At the end of the day though, David Koepp and Lucas gave us the Crystal Skull – an item that, as explained above, was a hoax. Which really is a good metaphor for Lucas’ career after 1989. And if that’s what David Koepp intended, then fair play sir fair play.

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Nic Cage – The Career of a Madman: Part 3

During the first two parts covering the 1980s and 1990s, I established the growing intensity of The Cage and his ability to Rage. The 1990s ended on a stellar high with “Bringing Out the Dead”. How will the noughties and teenies (kill me no, please) fare….

Gone in Sixty Seconds, 2000

…ah. Not very well. When the best thing about the film is Cage’s character name (Memphis Raines – get it? Does it rain in Memphis a lot…I don’t know. I don’t care. Sorry Memphis) you know you have problems. And it’s not for lack of talent. It’s for lack of coherency and anything akin to sense. Want a clue as to how bad it is? It’s not even a quarter of the film the first “Fast and the Furious” film is. On another plus point, Cage is bonkers at times. He might even have thought that this was real…

The Family Man, 2000

What’s this? A romantic comedy drama directed by Brett Ratner? On the plus side, this is almost certainly Brett Ratner’s best film (it doesn’t even touch “Rush Hour” in terms of casual racism for a start). On the down side, it doesn’t really give Cage a chance to display his Rage. But, at least it’s not….

Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, 2001

…sweet fucking Christ. I remember when this was first announced and everyone was saying that this would be the film where Cage bagged another Oscar. BEFORE THE FILM HAD EVEN FUCKING BEEN MADE. They were no doubt basing this on the fact that John Madden’s previous film was “Shakespeare in Love”. They were so wrong that the titular Mandolin might as well have been a stringless banjo. Do yourself a favour and read the book. Not that I’m a fan of the book, but the film will bore you senseless.

Christmas Carol: The Movie, 2001

No chance to Rage in this as Cage voices Marley. Really, the only thing you need to know about this is that Kryten co-wrote the screenplay….

Windtalkers, 2002

I expected so much more from another pairing of John Woo and Nic Cage – especically when it comes to a historical war film about Navajo codetalkers. It’s a pretty average film and should really have been so much better.

Sonny, 2002

Where Nic Cage is primarily on the other side of the camera directing James Franco as Sonny. It’s…well…not very good I’m afraid. And the small part that cage gives himself….yeah. Not very good at all.

Adaptation, 2002

This is more like it though. Cage once again dons his acting cape in the dual role of Charlie and Donald Kaufman. I still think that he was perhaps robbed by Adrien Brody for Best Actor, but with Jack Nicholson, Michael Caine and Daniel Day-Lewis also up for the award that year the odds were long. Also, any film set in Nazi Germany that is any good seems automatic favourite for Oscars.

Matchstick Men, 2003

Cage continues to wear his acting cape in this underrated and criminally overlooked film about con artists directed by Ridley Scott. Not only that, but it also allows neurotic Cage to come forward once more. It’s not quite on a par with the fantastic Argentinian film “Nine Queens” from 2002, but it certainly should be regarded as highly as “The Sting” (which, let’s be honest, everyone only really remembers for Marvin Hamlisch/Scott Joplin’s “The Entertainer” and not for it being quite overlong and cumbersome).

National Treasure, 2004

Whereby Nic Cage plays a modern day Indiana Jones. Pretty much hated by critics but a massive box office success, it is a fun romp. And, unlike some of his other roles, Cage actually looks like he’s enjoying being in some pulp entertainment, and that’s no bad thing at all.

Lord of War, 2005

And if you don’t like Cage in mindless fluff, then this is more your kind of thing. Another overlooked film, “Lord of War” tells the story of the illegal arms trade and the shady deals that they are involved with acting, seemingly, as Government intermediaries. You are not supposed to like or even sympathise with Cage’s character in “Lord of War”. It is supposedly based on real events/stories. Cage is on top acting form once again in a slightly restrained performance – which makes his larger than life character seem all the more real.

The Weather Man, 2005

I’ve still not seen this. Maybe I will, but I’ll save it for a rainy day (Taxi!).

The Ant Bully, 2006

It’s an okay animated film. Urge to Cage rising…

World Trade Center, 2006

So as not to offend anyone, no comment.

The Wicker Man, 2006

After watching this probably three times, I am convinced that it is neither a remake or a reboot. I have come to the conclusion that this is actually a rather genius parody of the Edward Woodward classic. I dare you to watch it for yourself and see if you come to the same conclusion. And make sure you watch the “alternate ending” for added hilarity. Basically, the makers of Scary Movie and the likes of Meet the Spartans – This is how you do parody. You basically just take the piss out of one film by “remaking” it for a laugh. I guarantee you that this film has raised more laughs from people with long attention spans than your films have. Nic Cage is basically a brilliant caricature of Edward Woodward. On acid.

Ghost Rider, 2007

This should have been better than it was. Far better. Cage couldn’t give a damn though. Couldn’t giving a flying damn.

Grindhouse – Werewolf Women of the SS, 2007

He’s only in this short, directed by Rob Zombie, rather than the main films and he plays Fu Manchu. They really should have made this one into a long film rather than “Death Proof”…

Next, 2007

Next is based on a P.K. Dick short story called “The Golden Man”. I say based on. It’s as loosely based on that as Daniel Lambert’s trousers are loose on Kenny Baker. Cage doesn’t look like he cares throughout the film and the film is more like a parable for doing work you hate to earn a paycheck. And yes, the film really does end and then rewinds to halfway through just so that things can be done correctly…

National Treasure: Book of Secrets, 2007

Like the first one, only better. This is noteworthy for being Cage’s first sequel.

Bangkok Dangerous, 2008

Another shit film, another remake, and another paycheck film. That said, Cage is sporting an awesome hairdo and one of the directors is called Oxide. 2008 was a quiet year for Cage…this was his only film. A dark year.

Knowing, 2009

My thoughts on Knowing have been documented twice here. It really needs no further bashing, but I will do anyway. Cage is the epitome of a sleepwalker for the whole duration of this film. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that during filming Cage climbed a crane and was found curled up and asleep at the top. Watching Cage put 2 and 2 together was like watching “Full Contact Combat Maths” – strangely compelling but ultimately empty. If only he’d cared. If only he’d taken some pep pills. If only he was fucking awake.

G-Force, 2009

I’ve not seen this, but IMDB says the following: A specially trained squad of guinea pigs is dispatched to stop a diabolical billionaire from taking over the world. . Cage doesn’t voice a big part, and for that reason, I’m out.

Bad Lieutenant, 2009

Formerly “Port of Call New Orleans” and definitely not a remake – more like an equal…or a superior. Werner Herzog gets 20 levels of crazy out of Cage in this. For a reference point, Gary Busey only has 12 levels of crazy and Mel Gibson 18. Yes. That fucking crazy. He’s such a livewire that at times you actually think he’s going to explode….and the TV with it. What makes it even better is that Herzog actually mirrors Cage’s insane performance with some frankly bonkers scene – the dancing corpse being one of those. A spectcular return to crazy.

Astro Boy, 2009

…and another supporting voice role in a film I’ve not seen…and then it’s…

Kick-Ass, 2010

…and the return of pure nutty Cage. I know he’s not the star of the film, but his role as Big Daddy is a memorable one. Cage plays the Cage we know and love and it’s clear he’s not just doing this for the hell of it – he’s doing it because he loves acting. It’s a big “Fuck You!” to the likes of “Knowing” and “Next”.

The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, 2010

Nic teams up again with the director of the National Treasure film. It’s alright and passes the time and is fun….not enough nutty Cage though.

Season of the Witch, 2011

You’d have thought that the teaming of Nic Cage and Ron Perlman in a 14th Century fantasy adventure from the director of “Gone in Sixty Seconds” and “Swordfish” couldn’t fail. Actually, none of that could possibly work and it’s a huge pile of bumbling jism that is (almost) so bad that it’s amazing. You can see why it was a total flop though.

Drive Angry, 2011

I’m going to end the summary with this as I have not seen any of the films that come after it (I know, my bad). Drive Angry was the second best film of 2011. The only film better than it was “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy”. It is hands down the best exploitation film of probably all time. Cage is on form and it was like his whole career was gearing up to this – he perfectly combines elements of his roles in Con Air, Leaving Las Vegas, Bad Lieutenant, Raising Arizona, REAL LIFE, The Wicker Man, Adaptation, Lord of War and probably even Best of Times. He is just the pure epitome of CAGE from minute 1 to minute 100. And what fucking happens? William Fichtner steals the whole thing right from under his nose. Totally Willem Defoe’d him. Not that I care, because Fichtner is also someone I am in total awe of. If Cage had never made another film again, I would seriously watch this over and over.

****

And that concludes my summary (bar “Justice”, “Trespass” and the “Ghost Rider” sequel). Where next? Well, he currently has three films in post-production – one which reteams him with Simon West, the director of Con Air and another where he’s reteamed with John Cusack. There are four in pre-production, one of which will reunite him with Charlie Kaufman. After that, sequels to National Treasure and Kick-Ass. And, as Arnie, Stallone and Willis have proven, hitting 50 is going to be no barrier at all to being in action films. In fact, it’s possibly only just the beginning…

Note to self: Must add some images later. This is all a bit spartan and really is a disservice to the great man.

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Nic Cage – The Career of a Madman: Part 2

Yesterday, I established that Nic Cage started to go mad towards the end of the 1980s. The 1990s would only solidify that madness into something more tangible. ie. The Nic Cage that we know and love today. The kind of person that turns the Christmas lights on in Bath because a fan asked him to.

Wings of the Apache, 1990

Well, this wasn’t a good start, was it? This came across more like an advert for the USA’s War on Drugs (TM). Cage clearly looks uncomfortable in this film and it’s not something he can get his teeth into. A poor start to the 1990s…

Wild at Heart & Industrial Symphony No.1, Both 1990

1990 would see Cage team up with Laura Dern and David Lynch twice. First for the TV short (which I have not seen) and then for one of Lynch’s finest films (arguably his best). Watching this now, you can imagine that Lynch said to Cage “Be yourself”. That said, Cage is out-Caged by Willem Defoe in this film – a fact that can’t have pleased him in the slightest.

Zandalee, 1991

Get this shit out of my face.

Honeymoon in Vegas, 1992

….and this….fuck off. Cage, what were you thinking?

Amos & Andrew, 1993

You’d think that a buddy movie pairing of Nic Cage and Samuel L. Jackson and a case of mistaken identity couldn’t fail, wouldn’t you? It does….miserably.

Red Rock West, 1993

A cracking and hugely overlooked neo-noir crime thriller where Cage is mistaken for a hitman and then assumes the role for the money. Cage doesn’t need to “act up” in this at all, so if you’re looking for nutcase Cage, go elsewhere – he would be out of place in this. That reminds me, this is one film I didn’t “upgrade to DVD”…

Deadfall, 1993

Proof that the Coppola name can draw quality actors to shit. I can only assume that Cage was doing his brother Chris a favour when he agreed to be in this floating turd. By all accounts, it’s still bobbing.

Guarding Tess, 1994

Where Nic Cage is a secret service agent and he’s personally requested to head the first lady’s bodyguard detail…a woman he can’t stand. I think this would have worked better as a Quantum Leap episode…

It Could Happen To You, 1994

I think I only ever watched this because I had a crush on Bridget Fonda in my teens. I’ve seen worse romantic comedies. Far worse.

Trapped in Paradise, 1994

An underrated classic Christmas comedy. Honestly, it is. I really am not fucking around here. Watch it and see for yourself. Stone cold classic.

Kiss of Death, 1995

You’d think that the pairing of Nic Cage and Samuel L. jackson couldn’t fail….actually, the plus point of this is that Cage sports a rather fetching beard that just adds gravitas to his violent crimelord character.

Leaving Las Vegas, 1995

Nothing more really needs to be said about this that hasn’t been said already – the Oscar that Cage deserved for Raising Arizona was finally won here.

The Rock, 1996

AKA – the start of Action Cage. I’m not saying that he would not have had an action career after this but he had clearly been working up to this and this is the one that set him on the action path. Sadly, he’s not that crazy and Sean Connery takes all the risks….

Con Air, 1997

…but in this he takes all the risks. It’s a sad fact that Hollywood does not make action films like Con Air anymore. They’re missing out on several tricks per year by cramming the summer schedule with big screen films based on toys and boards games and having gravity defying superhero films. Con Air is probably the finest action film of the last 20 years and certainly nothing has come close to matching it – oh sure, The Expendables tried and failed miserably. It’s a shame they never made a sequel really. Cage plays the unassuming and unwilling hero with such a downbeat manner that you almost felt like he didn’t want to be there…that’s what made his character so perfect.

Face/Off, 1997

There are not enough words in the dictionary to describe the sheer impact of THE CAGE in Face/Off. He makes a bag of nuts look like nut dust. Cage literally knocks it out of the park, goes out, picks up the ball, brings it back and knocks it out of the park again for good measure as Castor Troy. He then beats John Travolta at being John Travolta. No one else could have pulled thi off, especially not a Nic Cage who had only appeared in romantic comedies with Sarah Jessica Parker all his career.

City of Angels, 1998

…or romantic fantasy dramas with Meg Ryan. Okay, so it’s not that bad, but you’d be far better off watching “Wings of Desire”, the Wim Wenders film that it is based on.

Snake Eyes, 1998

Ah, the return of nutty Cage. De Palma’s noirish thriller had many effective moments, such as the opening tracking shot and the overhead tracking shot off the rooms. But it was ruined by over complicating the conspiracy – even when it had told you who the bad guy was. Thankfully, Cage’s weedy and unlikeable character saves it from being another “Bonfire of the Vanities” in De Palma’s portfolio….but only just.

8MM, 1999

This time it’s Joel Schumacher’s turn to get his hands on Cage – his first film behind the camera since “Batman & Robin” – well, it was an improvement in terms of quality, but it was mauled by critics and flopped at the box office.Cage doesn’t really fare very well at all in this story about a private investigator hired to find out if a “snuff” film was real or not. (Note: Charlie Sheen is not in this film). It’s average and overlong and doesn’t showcase any of Cage’s talents, unless you call walking around like a misery guts a talent.

Bringing out the Dead, 1999

Closing out the 90s, Cage teams up with Martin Scorcese to great, and underappeciated, effect. Cage is the focus of the film and it’s a role he really gets his teeth into. It is pretty tough subject matter about a paramedic who has failed to save anyone in months who begins to be feel guilty and haunted for those that he has failed to save. If anything, the faults of the film lie with the story….certainly not Cage who is pretty much on Oscar form here.

****

And that concludes a defining and pretty damn strong decade for Nic…sure, it was in some utterly unforgiveable garbage, but for the most part it was pure nutty Cage all the way.

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Nic Cage – The Career of a Madman: Part 1

Nic Cage: Born, Nicholas Kim Coppla, 7th January 1964

Let’s get this right out there: I fucking love Nic Cage. The man is nuts and, for the most part, he brings life to even some of the most turgid shit ever committed to film. There are of course occasions where he doesn’t, but I put this down to perhaps taking the wrong medication or somnambulance or not giving a complete damn at all because “Hey, I’m Nic Cage….I’m getting paid for this shit”.

So, where to beging? Why not at the beginning? Not his birth…but with something that you’d only know existed if you looked at his IMDB page – his first role ever:

Best of Times, 1981

I’ve not seen this, but how could this not be worth a watch?

This ABC pilot starred 7 teenagers in a 80′s style Laugh-In. It told the light and dark side of teenage thoughts with dancing and singing added in for color.

Not only did this have Nic Cage as “Nicholas”, it had Crispin Glover as “Crispin”. It sounds like fate when you hear that it never made it past pilot. And lets be thankful for that, because had it been picked up it probably would have run 7 years and Nic could have been lost to TV forever. He’d probably be wearing sunglasses and going nuts in CSI: Miami by now. Also, the thought of Nic Cage singing and dancing “for color” just makes you wonder what might have been though. Then again, starting off with a dancing role never harmed Jean Claude Van Damme’s career.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High, 1982

I always forget that Nic had a tiny role in this. Then again, it’s not a starring role and it’s not really an insight into his impending insanity. From here on in, it’s pretty much all starring roles though.

Valley Girl, 1983

Julie, a girl from the valley, meets Randy, a punk from the city. They are from different worlds and find love. Somehow they need to stay together in spite of her trendy, shallow friends.

I think I have to see this just to see if it’s as bad as it sounds. Yes, Nic plays the “punk from the city”, Randy. In reality, Randy is a film that should only exist in films or as a humourous pseudonym.

Rumble Fish, 1983

Again, Nic isn’t starring in this. I can’t exactly remember when I did see this though, but it’s worth seeking out mainly for the cast: Matt Dillon, Mickey Rourke, Diane Lane, Dennis Hopper, Chris Penn, Larry Fishburne and Tom Waits. In fact, I recall it being a pretty decent film. Cage isn’t really in it enough to make it his own though…

Racing With the Moon, 1984

Another one I’ve not seen…and really, I don’t think I ever will. PS: it’s about war and soldiers saying goodbye to their girlfriends. I wouldn’t be able to watch this without thinking of Cage going absolutely bugnuts. And wanting him to….

The Cotton Club, 1984

The whole point of Nic Cage not going by the name of Coppola was so that he wouldn’t get famous on the back of the Coppola name. Apparently this angered some of the family, though not enough for FFC to cast Nic in this story about the famous Harlem Jazz club. I know I’ve seen this but really cannot remember much about it at all.

Birdy, 1984 & The Boy in Blue, 1986

Neither of these I’ve seen, but they no doubt show the more serious side of Nic.

Peggy Sue Got Married, 1986

Honestly, you’d think that it really didn’t matter to FFC that Cage dropped the Coppola name. I’ll stand by this and say that it is one of the best romantic comedy/dramas – the IMDB rating doesn’t really do it justice. It’s definitely more Kathleen Turner’s film though – that’s not to say that Cage is a footnote at all. That said, it’s nothing compared to what came next…

Raising Arizona, 1987

Yes…the Coen brothers got their hands on Nic Cage in what is still my favourite Coen Brothers directed film. This is the first sign of “Crazy Cage”. It is also the first true sign of the sheer diversity of the man. Without Raising Arizona there really is no ground to build the likes of Wild At Heart, Face/Off, Lord of War or Bangkok Dangerous on. This is the role that made all those possible. Had this been another romantic comedy then he could easily have been trapped starring opposite the likes of Cher or appearing in romantic Vampire films for the rest of his career….

Moonstruck, 1987

…oh…

It’s not a bad film really – I just don’t like it to the context of Cage. It’s just not a Nic Cage film. I guess he had to keep the money coming in though…to save him from going all Bad Lietenant on people.

Vampire’s Kiss, 1988

…ah…

Really, this is a fucking awful film. BUT. And it’s a big but….Cage is NUTS. He’s not just FILM NUTS, he’s REAL LIFE NUTS. Not just NUTS….but BUGNUTS….literally. He eats a real cockroach in the film. Honestly, lunch has started to rev itself up in my stomach.

Never on Tuesday & Time to Kill, both 1989

Nic closed out the 80s with two films I’ve not seen…though I guess even those that have seen Never on Tuesday probably missed Nic Cage anyway due to him being uncredited and NOT SHOUTING DOWN THE CAMERA

****

And that concludes the first part of Nic Cage. Part 2 will summarise the 90s. As we all know, this is where Cage became CAGE. And got RAGE. And inspired the Smashing Pumpkins to write a song about him.

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A different story #2: what if in “Knowing”…

…the time capsule message from the aliens had just been “predicting” natural disasters and not plane/subway crashes and the final numbers were about an alien invasion and coordinates to a cache of weapons and/or alien resistance fighters in stasis?

Seriously though, the ending to this film creeped me out and made no sense at the same time. Why plant a message in the brains of certain children 60 years previous in the hope that they’d figure it out and tell their children to be at a certain place at a certain time to avoid the end of the world and get kidnapped by some light spewing aliens and get dumped on a planet with no facilities whatsoever? Okay, there is the innocence of youth and that from observation of humans, the aliens probably did not deem us worthy of saving. But why do it in such a fucking cryptic way? They might as well have come down to Earth at the last minute, handed a bunch of kids a Su Doku puzzle and said “You have five minutes to solve this and you can come with us”.

Essentially, the premise of the message is good. The aliens would have observed what would probably have happened to them had they revealed themselves, so for their own self preservation they send the message that is picked up by kids on the “right wavelength”. We can still follow the same inherent story from there with Nic Cage playing a down on his luck depressed scientist that starts to figure out what all these numbers mean. You can still have your plane and subway crashes to prove a point, but the revelation point comes a lot earlier.

Once Cage figures out that they are coordinates and times/dates, he can travel to the cache/aliens in stasis. Actually, I’m going to go by the latter route here as it would make more sense. So, he arrives at the remote location and wonders what it’s all about. After a bit of prodding around he discovers a hidden entrance that requires a code – this code is merely the numbers on the message. In he goes and he sees the aliens in stasis. His mere presence is enough to wake them up and that’s where the film switches pace – now it’s a race against time to get a defence weapon operational. The problem is that there are some advance invasion parties that are going to rouse the global military into some (no doubt) daft responses and Cage’s strange actions have caused some unwanted attention from a certain Government agency.

How it plays out from there depends on what tone you want the film to take – you could have them failing and the Earth being invaded and humanity enslaved – sequel potential. You could have them failing and the Earth being destroyed (candle in the wind, good bye). You could have them suceeding and getting the defensive weapon (a Dyson spehere for instance) operational and beating back the advance parties. Or you could even have them calling a truce and signing a peace deal.

No matter which way it goes, it would sure as hell be better than going down the route that the film actually took.

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Kill List (2011)

Directed by: Ben Wheatley
Starring: Neil Maskell, MyAnna Buring, Michael Smiley

Seriously, what the fuck?

Let’s back up a little. Kill List created some major buzz last year when it came out. It received rave reviews from various quarters – these are from the ones you’d expect to rave about gritty home grown films which have something different. I’d heard that it was a thriller, I’d heard it was a horror film, I’d heard it was equal parts thriller and horror. In the end, it’s a confusing blend of the two but the horror element only rears its head in the last 15 minutes. Right out of the middle of fucking nowhere.

What is set up as a routine “ex soldier turned contract killer who has money and marital problems” thriller turns in a confusing “mysterious cult with lots of laughing and burning torches” horror in the last act. “The Wicker Man” with Edward Woodward this ain’t. In fact, it’s so laughably daft towards the end that it’s more like “The Wicker Man” with Nic Cage, only with less bees.

For the most part it is a thriller though. A rather slow paced and violet one at that. We’re never really given any clues as to why Jay and Gal are carrying out these killings – they’re merely hired to take out a Priest, a Librarian and finally an MP. There are allusions to something that went wrong in Kiev, but again it’s left to the viewer to make assumptions as to what that could possibly have been.

As I said, it’s pretty violent. Graphically so and the killings are very gruesome – the killing of the librarian especially so. The assumption here is that the priest and librarian are involved in a paedophile ring. It’s after the killing of the librarian that Jay goes off book – it seems to have become deeply personal now. From the librarian he obtains information about others involved and proceeds to kill these – most of this is done off camera as we wait with Gal in the car.

This is the last really linear moment. You already know that Jay is pretty psychotic but nothing can prepare you for the “twist” as they are camped out on the manor of their final victim on the Kill List – “The MP”. It literally comes out of fucking nowhere. There have been no obvious clues to the turn that it takes. I’ve had to read theories this morning to even get even some kind of inkling as to what it all means and where the clues lay. The thing is, they’re only theories. There doesn’t seemed to be any unilateral agreement as to what happened and nothing from the man behind this, Ben Wheatley. I suppose it’s an artist’s perogative to remain tight-lipped on their work – they don’t have to explain it and in some sense they probably get a kick out of all the theorising.

Whether it’s a dream with events mirrored from earlier in the film, whether it actually happened, whether it’s all staged – who the fuck knows? I don’t exactly feel cheated as I wasn’t particularly enjoying the film anyway – the plodding pace and largely inaudible dialogue deeply affect the film. I generally don’t mind films which provoke theorising and discussion and often like to join in with this and add my two cents. Kill List would be on this list if it was actually any good. Instead, it’s just a baffling addition to the UK film industry that probably has a rather linear answer but will no doubt turn up in certain circles as an example of deceptive British film making at its finest and more than likely be discussed at length by film academics theorising over a deeper meaning.

I’ll save you the trouble – it’s not worth thinking about and is merely a languid exercise in inducing abject tedium. In other words, pretentious drivel.

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Prometheus (2012)

Directed by: Ridley Scott
Starring: Noomi Rapace, Michael Fassbender, Guy Pearce, Logan Marshall-Green, Idris Elba & Charlize Theron

Before I start this, if you haven’t see Prometheus and don’t want to know the score, then look away now. The spoilers start below. And there are lots of them.

Lets get this straight out there: Prometheus is NOT a direct prequel to the Alien series of films. It is the name of the spacecraft that the characters travel on and a mythological hint as to the nature of the film. For that purpose, I will rename all the Alien franchise films to Nostromo, Sulaco, Fury and Auriga (or Betty to be more precise). This should help detach each individual film from the other and allow them to be judged on their own merits. So, I reiterate, Prometheus is NOT a direct prequel to Nostromo. Only in the same way that the Model T Ford indirectly led to the Ford Mondeo is it a prequel. If you want a Nostromo prequel, write one, get it financed and make it yourself. If you want a Nostromo prequel, don’t watch Prometheus. Go back to your Quadrology boxset, watch the first two, shoot down Fury like you normally do and then go on a rampage at how bad Auriga is. If you want a Nostomo prequel but want to see Prometheus, leave your pre-judgement at home.

Over the last few years I have tried to close my ears to anything related to what was originally going to be an Alien prequel and which later evolved into a film set in the same universe. I happened to read one brief synopsis, which, whilst falling far short of the mark, was actually very close to what Prometheus actually is. I’m not one to avoid trailers and I can happily say that they don’t reveal a great deal – a few choice scenes and shots and that is it. I was just happy that a) Ridley Scott had returned to sci-fi and b) that he was returning to the universe of Nostromo et al.

I went for the 2D option – which I would normally do, despite the fact that this was shot in 3D rather than retrofitted with it. I also had some guy sat behind me that didn’t know the volume of his own voice whispering to his partner what was going on. He was so wrong. About a number of things. At least he got the Batman trailer right…

I’ll start with the short verdict: Prometheus is good, but not great.

So, if it’s not a prequel to Nostromo, then what exactly is it? It’s an origin story, but primarily that of mankind rather than where the Xenomorph comes from (more about that later). It is quickly established that aliens visited Earth and through a sacrifice of one of “The Engineers” mankind on Earth is seeded. We don’t know exactly when this takes place and we really don’t need to at this point. We soon learn that these “Engineers” have been visiting different cultures over the course of time since then, each time leaving a starmap, which is assumed to be an invitation. Like any self respecting curious culture, once we have the technology off we go to discover.

Once on board the titular Prometheus, we’re introduced to Michael Fassbender’s “David” – a creepy and clinical synthetic that strives to be more humanlike and is seen “hacking” into the dreams/thoughts of Noomi Rapace’s “Shaw” whilst she is in hypersleep. Once the crew wake from hypersleep, there follows a few clunky scenes introducing some of the peripheral characters. Admittedly, this could have been handled a lot better but it’s over and done with rather quickly.

Then comes the clincher that any observant person should spot – the planet they are going to is NOT the planet from Nostromo and Sulaco, despite what Mr Chatty behind me said to his partner. The film takes place on LV-223 and not LV-426. Quite a fundamental difference that I’ve not seen mentioned in any of the scathingly negative reviews I’ve read so far. If you’re going to spend half your review comparing Prometheus to Nostromo, then at least point this out. Oh what, it doesn’t serve your negativity any purpose to point this out….ah, gotcha.

Once the Prometheus lands near a curious pyramid/dome structure, that’s when the film can begin in earnest. Already there have been some different agendas laid out, whilst it is clear that some are just there for the pay cheque. We know that Rapace’s “Shaw” and her partner, Marshall-Green’s “Holloway” have differing views on the meaning behind the visitations – Shaw’s being a more spiritual one wanting to meet our makers and Holloway’s is scientific and he merely wants to see the culture that visited Earth. David’s motives at this point aren’t clear, but we don’t have to wait long to find out.

Needless to say, the science crew cannot wait to get out and begin their voyage of discovery. As does ours. This is the last point at where pre-conceived expectations should be left behind and the point at where Prometheus’ own merits and flaws should be taken within the confines of this film and this film only.

What works?

The story and the themes they’re derived from are themes that have been explored before. The idea that humans were given a genetic kickstart by something extraterrestrial in the past, a “god” if you will, is one that is not alien in the realms of sci-fi and has even wormed itself into some realms of science and religion. Likewise, once it becomes clear that an aging Peter Weyland is on this mission with David acting as a proxy for his instructions, the age-old quest for eternal life rears its head. These are two solid thematic grounds to build a story about discovery on. Likewise, the theme of species annihilation is firmly embedded into sci-fi. The engineers seemingly seeded life on Earth, but also left the “invite” to tempt future civilisations into triggering their own doom. What were their motives for seeding human life on Earth? That is an unanswered question, but is a tantalising carrot at the end of the film. It’s not vital to the scope of this film and will lead to plenty of speculation.

The conflicting motives of the leading characters also worked well. There is no collective motive on display and with the differing agendas, it is a case of keeping track of what is going on. This may not be ideal for some people, but it is how it is. You could use The Apprentice as a suitable comparison for this – the facade of teamwork is just that in The Apprentice. Everyone is out for themselves. In Prometheus, the same is true – they want their own questions answered and they go about this their own way – or, in David’s case, by Weyland’s way. Damon Lindelof did the same in “Lost”, though on a much more sprawling scale. In Prometheus, he has scaled this down. There are no huge backstories as to why each character has their motive, they are largely dealt with in the first few minutes. Clarity comes during the film.

The speculative technology on display is also a large plus point. From the “dream viewer” to the mapping orbs, there is a feast of technology on display that are not out of the realms of possibility but are certainly at home within the confines of a science fiction film.

The story development is well paced. After a rather sedate introduction, the story proceeds at a balanced pace. Once the team have ventured forth into the pyramid structure, the pace ramps up and all the motives become clear. You’re given glimpses of little things that don’t exactly seem important at the time but become relevant later on. Some have criticised these hints but would have criticised the quantum leap of a gaping plot hole had they not been there. These little glimpses are necessary to the story. The opening hour has a large focus on David and you always assume that he is up to something that is at odds with the rest of the crew. This is only truly confirmed when he deliberately infects Holloway with the genetic goo that is found in urns within the pyramid. The consequences of this take a while to come to fruition, but when they do they do so in the film’s most graphic and gruesome scene.

The aforementioned genetic goo. The goo seems to serve two purposes – it seeds life when it combines with existing life and also has the ability to destroy it. It’s not clear whether the goo that the Engineer at the start drinks is the same goo that is in the pyramid structure in droves, but I’m working to the assumption that it is. I think it’s also safe to say that the goo is the “Macguffin” of Prometheus. It is the item that drives and moulds the story. What is the goo? It is a genetic catalyst that has devestating effects on an individual when imbibed in large quantities. It invokes rapid change when it comes into contact with genetic materials. It is as a result of this change that the genetic link between Prometheus and Nostromo are apparent. The creature that Shaw removes from her body eventually grows into what is basically a giant facehugger.

Naturally, the effects and scenery are fanastic. There is a clear preference towards sets and models rather than green screen, which is to the benefit of the story. It could easily have been a huge CGI fest, but Scott has been very restrained in that area. It would have been to the ultimate detriment if green screen was the norm rather than the exception in this film. There are some truly impressive effects on display that just add to the wonder of the film.

What doesn’t work?

The script. As I’ve said, the story and the development thereof are fine. The script is largely clunky and the characters say and, occasionally, do things that you would not expect from them. The most criminal scene here is the Idris Elba and Chrlize Theron scene – it’s awful and tears apart two strong characters with a moment of weakness. I’d rather they were in an existing relationship than have that scene. Two clunky scenes involve Rafe Spall and Sean Harris, one when they first meet and the second when they are forced to spend the night in the pyramid structure. As has been pointed out, there is no way a biologist would approach a strange looking phallic creature the way he did. These are just a few examples and they are sadly not alone.

The storm. Totally uneccesary. I can’t really say more than that, but it just wasn’t needed. The only purpose it served was to force the crew back to the ship and cut off the two lost characters. Having the storm would have been fine in one respect, but to create a false moment of tension where, surprise surprise, Shaw drops a head of one of The Engineers and gets blown away trying to retrieve it was just a waste of a couple of million dollars.

The awakening of the engineer. Although I have no problem with the purpose of the scene – to show the hostility towards humans and to ensure that he can go about his mission to destroy humans on Earth. The execution of the scene is poor. From the moment that David’s head is ripped off it just doesn’t work as a supposedly tense moment. In fact, it is devoid of any tension whatsoever. For such an important scene it is so cursory that it’s almost rendered entirely irrelevant. It should have been so much more and would have been an ideal point for some kind of revelation, but nothing comes. You have to accept the engineer’s hostility based on the consequential reasonings that the crew make – that he is going to travel to Earth to destroy life.

The ending. Now, I don’t mean the part where Shaw, the sole survivor, makes her way back to the lifeboat ejected from Prometheus upon its impact with the alien vessel. I mean the scene after Shaw and a surviving David leave the planet in search of more answers. After managing to be almost entirely detached from Nostromo, it decides to play a rotten joker at the end that is from the Nostromo pack of cards. It shows an full grown alien being birthed from The Engineer that tracked Shaw down to the lifeboat and fell victim to the giant facehugger. What was implied suddenly became unnecessarily explicit. It was literally rammed down our throat in such a tacked on way that I almost think that they made the scene as a laugh without any intention of it being included and then someone, on their first day, accidentally left it in the final cut. It’s a scene completely at odds with the rest of the film that has been its own thing. It illogically strips away some of the sense of wonder and answers a question so late in the game that didn’t need answering.

Unanswered Questions

Why did The Engineers seed human life on Earth? Is it just what they do or are we one big science project a la Theodore Sturgeon’s “The Microcosmic God” or “The Genesis Pot” from The Simpsons?

Why do they want to destroy us? Is it simply a case that now we are starfaring race we are a threat, or is it something greater than that? Were we a mistake?

Are there different factions of engineers? Given the amount of time that passed between the seeding of life to the landing on LV-223, has a more sinister faction taken over that want to wipe out those that take the bait of the invitation?

Why not just come back to Earth and wipe us out? Were we meant to find them? Were they a dying race that knew what they were inherently like so assumed that life they seeded would have similar goals so decided to destroy us?

Is the goo at the start the same as the goo in the pyramid structure? I’ve assumed that it is, but what if it isn’t? It’s not illogical to think that perhaps one faction uses one goo to seed life and another faction uses another goo as a bio-weapon to destroy life.

What exactly happened in the alien structure that left the ghostly recordings? We have to assume that the something turned on them, but what exactly? There’s no remains (that we know of) of any aliens and the phallic alien that rapidly evolves from a worm was born within this film. Something turned on the engineers, but was it another faction or was it something else?

What is the relevance of the picture of the familiar xenomorph? The Engineers obviously encountered the xenomorph before – on LV-426? Did they find it, did they create it, were they trying to replicate it through genetic manipulation? Sure, the ending goes some way to suggest that they created it, but why have a picture of something up on the walls of your craft?

Unanswered question from Nostromo: how did the engineer vessel and “Space Jockey” end up on LV-426? Was it a separate mission, scientific outpost etc. Perhaps this one should not be explicitly answered…

Sequel?

Yes, it’s (almost) inevitable. I would expect several of the questions above to be answered in some capacity in a sequel. I would also expect more links between the Prometheus strand and the Nostromo strand of films to become apparent. These are impossible to avoid when you set contrasting stories with similar DNA in the same fictional universe. Recently, I’ve viewed the trailer for “The Bourne Legacy” which actually takes place at the same time as one of the Matt Damon “Bourne” films yet it appears to have it’s own story running through it. Nostromo takes place in 2122 and Sulaco in 2179 – 28 and 85 years after the ending of Prometheus. Depending on the timeline of events and the extent of any hypersleep, it’s not entirely out of the question that the events will crossover at some point – perhaps slap bang in the middle of the two films. Remember, in Sulaco, Hicks says “It’s a bughunt”. It’s easy to assume now that perhaps space marines have been on some sort of bughunt that may have something to do with the Prometheus thread.

Pure speculation of course, but the message that Shaw left at the end of Prometheus will no doubt get picked up and the you would then naturally assume that the response to any perceived threat to humanity would be of the military variety.

In summary

As already mentioned, Prometheus is good, but not great. It is also hugely enjoyable, despite the flaws. It could have been so much more, but what we are left with is more than satisfactory. Though many people will not like the unanswered questions, I firmly believe that a film that is setting itself up for a sequel should only answer the questions that it needs to in order to conclude the story that it is telling. The unanswered questions are part of a wider tapestry and are not detrimental to Prometheus itself.

The flaws do not get in the way of the story, though I would expect something better in the way of a script for the sequel. It is the film’s most consistent failing and it does seem that perhaps the focus was primarily on telling the story rather than delivering believable dialogue and actions.

Prometheus may deliver more punch in some areas on a second viewing and I am positive that I have missed some of the nuances and hints that may have led to perceived leaps of logic. As such, I have avoided including these in the flaws until I can be certain that I have not missed anything. Leaps of logic or not, sometimes, like in real life, characters in films can have a Eureka moment that isn’t visual and perhaps these Eureka moments were missed or poorly portrayed.

Ultimately though, Prometheus is worth the wait to see a different story get told in a familiar universe. Whether you take it as a direct prequel or an equal is up to you and your ability to detach the stories. I for one am looking forward to exploring the Prometheus story further in years to come.

Addendums

Naturally, there are some things I have overlooked and upon reading other analytical reviews, I felt that perhaps other things needed to be mentioned. Rather than subsume them into what has already been written, they will be added here.

1. About that sequel

Shaw leaves a message as a warning and then leaves. Any response will presumably be directed to LV-223. So, what will they find? The alien that burst out of the engineer will no doubt do something – is it a queen or is it a mere soldier? Will the goo that was in the spacecraft heading to Earth spill out and provoke rapid evolution in any rudimentary lifeforms that happen to be on the planet? Will a sequel even return to LV-223?

2. Another unaswered question

When David is analysing the vial of goo that he sneakily took from the chamber in the pyramid, is that a little worm in the goo? We later see something wormlike appear to pop its head out of Holloway’s eye after David has infected him. This begs the question, what exactly is in the goo? Has this goo been cross contaminated with the worms, hence the reactions that Holloway and Fifield suffer?

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