Erm, okay. Are you sure? Why can’t you destroy it in your own time? Can’t be bothered? *sigh* “It’s complicated”. Yes, time travel is complicated and not something to be pissed around with. Get it wrong and you might as well drop a toaster into your bath or chew through a live electricity cable wearing a metal brace.
Time travel is a useful tool. Whether you want to use it to alter the past, present, future, all of these, destroy something, steal something, kill somebody or create a paradox there is one thing that you’re going to do: create a paradox. And a mess. And almost certainly, abject confusion. It really is a rocky road to travel down and should only be considered as a last resort. An absolute last resort. You have to be sure that you have exhausted all possibilities of achieving your goal without the need for time travel. Unless you’re just a time tourist, in which case, get fucked loser. No one likes a time tourist – this isn’t some goddamn game. It’s amateurs like you that screw it up for the rest of us.
Why are you doing this? Really think about this. This is your last chance to turn around, walk away from your underground megalomaniac science lab/sports car or wherever it is that you’re attacking to punch through the arsehole of time with and go and do something less boring instead. Time travel isn’t for the faint-hearted. In fact, you really need balls of steel (or coltan-titanium alloy if you happen to be a T-800). Motivation is often boiled down to the following:
1. Kill someone in the past to stop someone in the future from being born
2. Stop a really bad thing happening in the past. Usually some sort of apocalypse.
3. Totally by accident
5. To cause some shit to go down in the future
6. Shits and giggles
8. So, you’ve literally just decided to become a time traveller?
9. Editing a 15 second old Tweet because of a fucking typo
I mean, it really doesn’t matter what your motivation actually is. You’re going to fucking travel through time. Unless you believe that time is a construct and it’s all happening at once, in some sort of circle and that we’re all just threads on the ragged noose of the death sentence of time. Still…
Yeah science, bitch
No, I mean it. How?
What is your method of time travel? You’re not just going to walk through some convenient backstreet half-baked ramshackle time tunnel, are you? ’cause they’re few and far between.
Think this through. What is your mode and method of time travel? Are you the architect of this journey through time or are you the test subject for some science project that started to get out of hand when you woke up with the faint whiff of chloroform around your nostrils? Because you’re pretty screwed if it’s the latter in fairness.
Now, is it some sort of machine which for some reason will only transport living tissue meaning that you are left with a “hilarious” situation of trying to obtain clothing? I mean, honestly, someone is totally dicking around here. If you ever find yourself in this situation with some scientist trying to tell you that they have built this hugely complex piece of machinery that can transport matter through time but for some inexplicable reason they just can’t calibrate it to also take your fucking clothes, then tell them to stop fucking around and learn the maths needed to do it. It’s like an portrait artist who can’t do noses – plain and sloppy.
Or is it some car which will only travel through time at a certain speed? This is pretty important, because the car here is a critical component of keeping your ID intact when you arrive “Back in the Past”. I mean, you wouldn’t want to arrive there and everyone has some preconceived notion that you’re a dick because you’re driving a certain type of car. Or because it’s a complete anachronism. Or because your car is so shit that you can’t even reach the crucial speed.
It could be that you’re travelling through a rip in the space-time continuum, or are stuck in a time loop. We’ll deal with those later. Much later. Maybe never, or they’ve already been done in another timeline. Who knows? You certainly won’t if you’re suddenly wrenched from one place in time to another with very little warning or just keep living the same day, over and over.
You could just climb into a fucking box. Thanks Primer. I mean, way to go so lo-fi that I could literally order something online and it’ll arrive yesterday. Oh, Primer…..
What exit plan?
You don’t have one?
Okay, so this is your one way trip into the past or future and you’re definitely not going back. Your actions in the future are of no one’s fucking concern in the past, but if you go back in time you are going to fuck up your own timeline, other timelines, timelines that you never knew existed, or, pretty much everything you possibly can. You could even fuck yourself out of existence, both physically and literally. And then who did everything? I mean, didya think about that? Really?
But if you do want to go back, then the above also applies. This is time travel, not a rail replacement bus service. Which is kind of like time travel, but only in terms of special relativity whereby the time inside the bus is much greater than the time outside the bus.
Your means of return might be the same route that you travelled through time initially, and you might need to seek fuel. Which could be a little tricky for those longs trips back in time to a land before time. Or, if you’re a cyborg killing machine from the future your programmed intention might simply be to do the shit you came back to do and then just shutdown and wait. Or self destruct….
Oh, wait, you didn’t think about that when they told you they were putting a tracking device in you head, did you? Noooo, that was the last thought that went into your head as they attached a little bomb to your cerebral cortex which will blink you out of existence in a mere nanosecond. Yeah, don’t let the bastards go near your fucking brain.
Or perhaps you have to complete a specific task that corrects history from going down the wrong path, perhaps at an individual level or a national/global level. “Sam…it looks like you’ve leapt into Donald Trump.” “Oh boy. Oh fuck”. SEASON ENDS.
Perhaps your exit plan is to dispose of all the fucking duplicates that you created of yourself. Thanks Primer.
So, you think you’ve created a paradox
OF COURSE YOU FUCKING HAVE. You can’t correct it, and you’ll only make it worse. What’s that you say, you’ll go back further in time and correct the paradox that you’ve just created….OH LOOK, YOU’VE JUST GONE AND CREATED ANOTHER ONE DIPSHIT! Cause and fucking effect: did no one teach you that at time travel school? What do you mean “I didn’t go to time travel school”? This is elementary shit, it really is.
Don’t touch anything, don’t speak to anyone, don’t kill anyone, don’t fuck anyone, don’t leave anything behind.
Oh look, those bastard time tourists were right all along. And no one fucking likes a time tourist because they’re oh so perfect and never do anything wrong.
But we’re the bad guys
Oh, that’s okay then. Just go ahead and fuck everything up. Be our guests. It’s not like there aren’t millions of timelines that fragment with every single action and decision. It’s not like you’re going to shit over ever single timeline and possibility, is it? You just don’t have the time to do all that. Right? Unless this really is the Darkest Timeline. In which case, we’re all doomed.