Shark in Venice (2008)

Sharks, Venice, a Baldwin brother…..what the shitting crikey could possibly go wrong?

Where do you even begin with a film like this? The beginning would be a good start, but it doesn’t really begin. It kind of meanders from some wobbly “studio” graphics into some murky water, slow motion bubbles and some leftover music from “Gladiator”. The first set of extras you see are staring straight at the camera! If indeed they were actors – this could be someone’s home video for all we know.

Okay, so some divers are looking for some treasure underwater – God knows what at this stage, all we know is that their days are numbered due to the false tension. And the appearance of a young Colonel Gaddafi:

Wham never recovered from their makeover.

So the divers uncover a stone plaque – some Medici crap. And then out of fucking nowhere, a shark. But you guessed that anyway. One diver, two divers, three….they all fall down. Killed by stock footage of a shark. Gaddafi ain’t happy.

It takes 8 minutes for (S) Baldwin to show up. Oh, he’s a college lecturer. Turns out one of the divers is his father – this is important. VERY important. And they haven’t found him – just two bodies of the other guys. They tell him it was a “propellor” accident. So, off he goes to Venice with his gobby fiancee to investigate and find his father.

At this point, you just want shark action…..you don’t even get to see the mangled up bodies that he has to identify as “not” his father. Propellor? You ain’t fooling Baldwin – he was in “Usual Suspects” after all. After meeting the police and being told of some strict rules, Baldwin is allowed to look for his Dad’s body.

This is the clever bit. And by clever, I mean…..actually, scratch that. It’s not clever. It’s just a bit of history about the Medici and The Crusades cobbled together to give a backstory. So, it turns out that there is some hidden treasure under the city that Gaddafi wants. Great! Sharks. Buried Treasure! It gets better!

Now it’s time for some treasure/corpse hunting. As we see Baldwin getting into a wetsuit, it becomes clear that Baldwin could do with borrowing Seagal’s medicinal corset. He’s positively Shatner-esque in stature. It is also at this point that we are given a fantastic excuse for the shockingly murky underwater camera work – pollution! Well thank you very much.

So, in he goes with someone you already know is going to be shark bait – Baldwin finds his father’s watch….and sure enough, shark bait is wasted a minute later and then the shark attacks Baldwin – you see blood. Of course, our hero manages to escape and finds a mysterious hole that he climbs up….WITHOUT A FUCKING SCRATCH ON HIS WETSUIT!??? Did they only budget for one Baldwin-sized wetsuit?

This next bit is stolen from Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade – only with a budget lower than The Crystal Maze. Traps, treasure…..and Baldwin steals a gem. The common thief. But, he’s in pain because he’s bleeding….so he jumps back in and you are treated to a total headfuck of a scene whereby you see Baldwin chopmed up…..before he wakes up in hospital two days later, minus the stolen gem.

Anyway, some of Gaddafi’s men find Baldwin in the hospital and invite him to meet him. Off they go, and a tense verbal standoff ensues with a large cash offer. Gaddafi holds up the gem, Cue a flashback reminder of something that happened 5 minutes ago!!! Thanks!! I’d forgotten about that – I really had. I needed that reminder because I wasn’t actually paying attention.

But, Baldwin refuses….would have been easier to say yes at this point – it’s clear that these men ar the mafia, but Baldwin and his fiancee think it’s better to say no. And off they go. The filmmakers then also show at this point that the shark doesn’t just have a taste for men in wesuits by chomping a drunken couple.

You know what’s coming next though – how do the Gaddafia make Baldwin play water guide? They kidnap his fiancee and take her to a warehouse. And leave him…..it would have made far more sense to take Baldwin at this point as 5 minutes later they’re trying to kidnap him from his hotel room where he’s being guarded. Before we get to that kidnap, a shark takes out a goddamn Gondola! In gloriously awful CGI….

After about 5 to 10 minutes of padding and a dreadful street chase, Baldwin is eventually caught and taken to Gaddafi. Find the treasure or your fiancee gets fed to the sharks, oh yeah, and it just so happens that Gaddafi introduced the sharks to Venice….not much choice, so off he goes.

Same formula – some shark bait sent with him that doesn’t last long….treasure room/Baldwin crossed/kills guy – more shark fodder…..explosion….gunfight…..and the longest goddamn underwater fight scene ever. Gaddafi and Baldwin are fighting forever underwater as a pathetic gun battle rages around them…..Gaddafi naturally gets eaten by one of his sharks….police win, game over.

Now, remember how one of the first three divers was Baldwin’s father? The one where they didn’t find a body? No? You’ve forgotten?

So did the goddamn filmmakers!!!! I sat through that pile of crap to see Baldwin’s goddamn father and they forgot about him. Even Baldwin forgot about him…..seems that finding his watch was enough for him. That’s it….roll the credits….hang on, SHARK IN CREDITS…..they’re obviously thinking sequel. Maybe Baldwin’s missing father will turn up as a circusmaster in St Tropez….

FX: 1
Wetsuits: 4
Cliches: 9
Story: 5
Baldwin: S

Overall: 3/10